FESTIVE SPIRIT

What Festive Spirit? Having just given up the rigours of an attempted shopping expedition into the war-zone that Colwyn Bay has become, I can certainly tell you there is no “Festive Spirit” whatsoever. It is sheer lunacy to venture anywhere near the shopping centre, the market or, indeed, any premise that may be offering for sale anything that may have the slightest hint of having anything to do with Christmas.
The worst offenders being women, the moment you put one of them behind a shopping trolley, the whole world is at risk, they do not push them, they aim them; and I pity any poor sod’s ankles that stands in their way. Should you, God forbid, complain you are met with a glare that would put Medusa to shame and a retort of “Well; move out of the bloody way then” followed by a snarl of “Pillock” as they continue lumbering down the cat-food lane with a very apologetic looking husband trotting behind them trying to keep up.
Trying to look into a shop window is akin to being part of the scrum in a Ladies Rugby club and, had I not moved, I am sure my genitals would have ended up as a war trophy nailed to a dressing room door somewhere.
Arguments rained thick and fast all over town, one poor bloke being publically humiliated by his over-weight wife for his choice of baubles; holding them up for her friend to see she shouted “Have you seen these **cking baubles he chose, they’ll look **cking stupid on my tree”, poor bloke. Another hapless individual was laden with about 27 bulging carrier-bags whilst his wife flickered from place to place making more purchases to add to his load, “Remind me to get four loafs of bread as well” she told the poor sod. As I nipped outside to have a cig and calm my shattered nerves another woman was screaming at her husband “Now look what you’ve done, you’ve made me forget the cream” ????. A well used phrase was also heard “I don’t know why I bothered bringing you with me........ give me some money”.
Returning home I was greeted with “Hi Love, did you get what you wanted?” Looking at her now, in a totally different light after seeing what I had, I decided against telling the truth and sidled up into the office for a bit of quiet reflection.